(v) Preface and Acknowledgments

"During my travels around the world, I have become convinced that children do not have to be regarded as always at risk. In many parts of the world, parents do not continually worry about the safety of their children. The idea that responsible parenting means the continual supervision of children is a peculiarly Anglo-American one. Consequently, in many societies children enjoy a far greater freedom to explore the outside world than their counterparts in the United States." [mijn nadruk] (v)

"Accidents, which were hitherto regarded as an integral part of children’s lives, are increasingly represented as a danger that we must avoid at all cost. Professionals no longer use the word accident. They prefer to describe a child’s bruised knee as unintentional injury and insist that such an event can and must be avoided. Such paranoid attitudes toward childhood safety impose a heavy burden on our youngsters. They force parents into a life of permanent alertness." [mijn nadruk] (vi)

[Zo belachelijk, inderdaad. ]

(1) Introduction

" Once a man becomes a father and a woman becomes a mother, other adults are suddenly transformed into potentially threatening strangers. As one mother explains: “I took James to the grocery store this morning, and a man about fifty years old was talking to him. The first thought that came into my head was get away from my child, and of course he was probably only being nice. I hate it, but I can’t let anyone touch him or talk to him without getting suspicious.” Parents not only seek to protect their children from strangers — they distrust even those they charge with the care of their off-spring. Neighbors, nannies, day-care workers, and other children — no one is above suspicion." [mijn nadruk] (2)

"Not surprisingly, many day-care centers now vie with minimum-security prisons in their security arrangements. Concern with childrens safety has spawned an industry. Companies such as Toddlerwatch.com, Inc.; ParentWatch, Inc.; and Kinderview, Inc. provide services that let parents watch their children live on their own computer screens." [mijn nadruk] (3)

[Prachtige uitspraak.]

"Spying on nannies, day-care workers, and children has become associated with good parenting. It shows you care. Throughout the nation, moms and dads are bugging their childrens telephones, installing secret cameras in their bedrooms, and sending strands of hair retrieved from pillows for analysis at drug laboratories. Parental paranoia leads to mistrust and renewed demands for even more drastic security measures."(3)

"This obsessive fear about the safety of children has led to a fundamental redefinition of parenting. Traditionally, good parenting has been associated with nurturing, stimulating, and socializing children. Today, it is associated with monitoring their activities."(5)

"The media play a significant role in provoking these irrational attitudes. There is no such thing as good news when it comes to children. " [mijn nadruk] (6)

"Scare stories always conclude with the demand for greater vigilance, creating an impossible strain on fathers and mothers while helping to reinforce their already intense sense of insecurity. Since supervision can never be constant, the pressure to monitor every aspect of a child’s life reinforces paranoia. Mothers and fathers have responded to this pressure by funda- mentally altering their relationship to their children."(6)

"One consequence of parents spending more time with their children is that children spend less time playing together or alone without the company of adults. Allowing children to play unsupervised or leaving them at home on their own is increasingly interpreted as a symptom of irresponsible parenting."(7)

"Those who question the merits of the constant supervision of children are sometimes accused of reckless parenting. Parents who allow their children to walk to school unsupervised may find themselves the subjects of local gossip. Mothers and fathers who allow their children to stay at home on their own after school are regularly admonished for courting danger." [mijn nadruk] (7)

" It appears that lack of reliable facts is not a barrier to transmitting “alarming estimates” to parents."(8)

"Safety professionals and parenting experts are continually looking for risks that no mother or father has ever thought about."(11)

"Health scares affecting children are a particularly invidious source of anxiety to parents. It only takes one speculative study on a potential new risk to set off another parental panic. According to a recent survey of 1,600 parents of young children in the journal Pediatrics, 25 percent worried that routine vaccinations could weaken their infants’ immune systems.17 Such fears, completely unsupported by scientific evidence, are the product of ill-informed gossip transmitted through the media." [mijn nadruk] (12)

"Parenting experts often complain, only partly in jest, that child rearing is the only profession that does not require rigorous training or qualification. Some experts take the view that parents are not only incompetent but also too stupid to learn the necessary skills. Consequently, the efficacy of parenting classes has come under scrutiny." [mijn nadruk] (17)

"The impulse to transform parenting into a hugely complicated skill that requires special training can take highly intrusive and totalitarian forms. In the United States, some experts have proposed that parents be required to obtain a license from the government to raise their children."(17)

(21) 1 - Making Sense of Parental Paranoia

"This suggests that there must have been some major changes in the way that adults negotiate the task of looking after kids. The clearest symptom of this trend is the public panic about child safety." [mijn nadruk] (22-23)

"In recent years, no issue has come under closer scrutiny than the question of childrens safety. It has become so highly charged that a single incident can spark a major public debate and demands for new regulations."(23)

[Het is allemaal weer typisch morele paniek. ]

"The Internet has a remarkable potential to enhance young people’s lives by providing educational opportunities. Yet it is widely seen as another new technology that poses dangers to children. Much of the discussion about the World Wide Web has focused on how to protect young people from its perils, to prevent innocents from stumbling across adult sites or into the clutches of pedophiles. "(24)

"Parents mistrust the Internet and television because of a more general unease about having to cope with external influences upon their children. Many of these influences — television advertising, consumerism, the Inter- net — are portrayed as part of a complex new world that is causing parental insecurity. But adult overreaction to new technology is a symptom and not the cause of the problem. Many parents now feel so insecure and fearful of what they do not understand that virtually anything can be turned into a potential child-care crisis."(25)

"A culture of fear has been constructed around the issue of stranger danger. Most recent national surveys indicate that as many as three out of four parents fear that a stranger will kidnap their child. This reaction is not surprising, since it is common to read alarmist claims that suggest that more than one million American children are kidnapped, lost, or missing or run away each year. In reality, two to three hundred children are abducted yearly by nonfamily members and kept for a significant time or murdered. Such horrible tragedies do take place — but very rarely, and not more often than in the past. The risk of being kidnapped facing America’s 64 million children remains very, very, very remote."(27)

"Many of the traits associated with the classic overprotective father or mother are likely to be praised by today s child experts as responsible parenting."(28)

"Parents are not just advised to supervise their children. This advice contains the implicit threat of legal sanction. Although in most states there is no statutory age at which it is illegal to leave children unattended, many counties and municipalities have issued guidelines." [mijn nadruk] (29)

" Parents are often warned to use only babysitters who are over age sixteen. Even the time-honored practice of hiring fourteen- or fifteen-year-olds eager to earn some pocket money by helping moms and dads look after their children is now dis- missed as an act of gross irresponsibility."(30)

"But if one thing above all others has created the conditions for today’s parenting crisis, it is the breakdown of adult solidarity."(33)

"When the local newsagent or postman scolds a child for dropping a chewing gum wrapper on the road, he or she is actively assisting that boys parents in the process of socialization. When a retired woman reprimands a young girl for crossing the road when the light is red, she is backing up her parents’ attempts to teach her the ways of the world. These displays of public responsibility teach children that certain behavior is expected by the entire community, not just their mom and dad. It has long been recognized that the socialization of children relies on a wide network of responsible adults. Parents cannot be expected to act as twenty-four-hour-a-day chaperones. Across cultures and throughout history, mothers and fathers have acted on the assumption that if their children got into trouble, other adults — often strangers — would help out. In many societies, adults feel duty-bound to reprimand other people’s children who misbehave in public.
As every parent knows, in America today, fathers and mothers cannot rely on other adults to take responsibility for looking after their children American adults are hesitant to engage with other people’s kids. This reluc- tance to assume responsibility for the welfare of the young is not simply a matter of selfishness or indifference. Many adults fear that their action would be misunderstood and resented, perhaps even misinterpreted as abuse. Adults feel uncomfortable in the presence of children. They don’t want to get involved and, even when confronted by a child in distress, are uncertain about how to behave."(33)

[Een heel belangrijk punt, inderdaad. ]

"An obsessive preoccupation about good touch and bad touch has made many teachers — even preschool teachers — wary about holding and comforting small children." [mijn nadruk] (34)

"This breakdown in adult solidarity breeds parental paranoia. The fear of the other person is the most tangible expression of parental insecurity."(35)

"Every year in Britain, some 120,000 parents experience the nightmare of being wrongly accused of child abuse. Since normal parents are now portrayed as potential abusers, it is not surprising that so many face investigation on the basis of hearsay and rumor." [mijn nadruk] (37)

[Schokkend.]

"Any one-to-one contact between adults and children has in effect been stigmatized."(38)

"Mistrust of adults, especially of men, has had a destructive impact on working relations between adults and children. The British Scout Association faces a shortage of volunteer leaders. “If a man says he wants to work with young boys, people jump to one conclusion,” reported Jo Tupper, a spokeswoman for the Scouts. A similar pattern is evident in primary school education. Research carried out by Mary Thornton of Hertfordshire University suggests that men are turning away from primary school teaching because of fears that that they will be labeled perverts."(39)

"Fear of adults victimizing children is fueled by a child-protection industry obsessed with the issue of abuse. " [mijn nadruk] (40)

(44) 2 - The Myth of the Vulnerable Child

"Today we find it difficult to accept the fact that youngsters possess a formidable capacity for resilience. "(45)

" Today, we are so afraid of risk that we have invented the concept of children at risk. A child that is at risk requires constant vigilance and adult supervision."(45)

"Every society has different ideas about the nature of childhood. Views about children change with fashion. Christina Hardyment, in her excellent study of the history of baby-care advice, shows how experts fluctuate between viewing children as little things that need hardening and toughening up or as vulnerable souls in need of constant love and attention. Since the end of World War II, the belief that children are fragile and vulnerable has gained strength. And since the 1980s, the belief that youngsters are inherently vulnerable and “at risk” has acquired the character of a cultural dogma." [mijn nadruk] (46)

"In fact, there is no evidence that children face greater dangers outdoors today than in the past. Playgrounds are no more dangerous than they were twenty or forty years ago. What has changed is society’s perception of children’s resilience. Physical injury to children is no longer accepted as a fact of growing up. Zealous campaigners insist that parents should worry about “the high incidence of injuries to schoolchildren,” and not intentional violence. Tripping and falling outside or in the school corridor are represented as major disasters." [mijn nadruk] (47-48)

"Every parent must have experienced that nervous grab in the stomach as you watch your child balance to walk along a wall, or struggle to climb a tree. The words Come down now! are on your lips because you know that a fall will hurt, and you know that a fall is likely. But you also know that if your child doesn’t fall, she will have demonstrated a new skill in physical agility, learned a new lesson, and gained a new sense of confidence. To let your child stretch her limits is not without risk, but thwarting her ambition has a risk, too. Getting the balance right is as difficult for the parent on the ground as it is for the child on the wall. We are clearly not getting the balance right." [mijn nadruk] (48)

"There is a danger that the contemporary obsession with childrens mental health can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If children are continually treated as if they are afflicted by a disease, they could quickly begin to perceive themselves as ill. Nothing is as powerful as a medical diagnosis to make children feel that they are indeed weak and vulnerable."(52)

[Furedi geeft veel voorbeelden van hoe kinderen gemedicaliseerd en getherapeutiseerd worden. De definities van de 'experts' zijn zo breed dat elk gedrag er onder kan vallen.]

"Society’s exaggerated perception of children’s vulnerability is most systematically expressed in the idea that emotional trauma and other negative experiences scar them for life. This fatalistic diagnosis assumes that once children have been emotionally hurt, they lack the resilience to repair the damage. Even as adults, the children will continue to be haunted by their early experiences. The American psychologist Jerome Kagan uses the term infant determinism to characterize this bleak view of the human condition." [mijn nadruk] (52)

"Happily, infant determinism is more of a cultural myth than a scientific truth. Popular perceptions regarding children’s vulnerability find little support in empirical research." [mijn nadruk] (53)

"According to many proponents of infant determinism, abuse is an intergenerational disease. They contend that abusers were themselves abused when they were children and their victims are likely to manifest delinquent behavior in the future. Yet, like many of the propositions advanced by infant determinists, this too is open to doubt. There is considerable evidence that the best predictor of whether a child is likely to be an abuser is not whether she herself has been abused but whether she grew up in a disrupted and disadvantaged family."(54)

(58) 3 - Parents as Gods

"The corollary of assuming that children are innately vulnerable is that parenting has an overwhelming impact on a child’s development. The tendency to downgrade children’s internal resources, coping skills, and resilience has been paralleled by the rise of parental determinism. Time and again, mothers and fathers are informed that their behavior determines the experience of infancy that in turn determines their child’s future. Omnipotent parenting is the other side of the coin of child vulnerability. Parental determinism not only diminishes the role of children, it also overlooks the influence of their peers and social circumstances in a child’s development. By assuming that so much is at stake, it legitimizes a highly interventionist adult role in childhood. The widespread acceptance of this view helps to foster a climate of child protection and parental anxiety. The more vulnerable the child, the more her future depends on the actions of her parents." [mijn nadruk] (58)

"Arguments about what influences a child’s development are far from resolved. There can be little doubt that important aspects of a child’s personality are inherited. There is also considerable evidence that social cir- cumstances and environment play a crucial role. No doubt Harris’s thesis of peer influence also has considerable significance. The relationship of parenting to any particular outcomes is much more difficult to grasp. Parenting and family make an important contribution to a child’s development — but they do not determine any particular outcome. " [mijn nadruk] (68)

"Couples trying to conceive and parents-to-be are intensely vulnerable to the pressure they face from their professional advisors. Their insecurity is regularly exploited by experts who propose a variety of measures that can help babies become smarter or healthier. (...) How this feat is to be achieved is not explained; instead, parents-to-be are instructed to “start talking” to their tummies, so the baby learns to recognize his parents’ voices. Getting parents used to the idea that what they do is decisive is the hidden agenda behind a lot of the advice. It has no scientific merit. "(71)

" The project concluded that social deprivation is the key indicator of childrens performance — and that is not something that parents can resolve through good behavior and a pregnancy preparation plan."(73)

(75) 4 - Parenting on Demand - A New Concept in Child Rearing

"Arguably, society loads so many expectations into what parents should do that parenting can no longer be carried out by two individuals, however hard they try. This is particularly true if both parents are employed. For a lone parent, the weight is even more difficult to bear. Parental determinism sets up all parents to fail by setting goals that cannot possibly be attained."(76)

"Listening to a child and responding to his signals is a one-sided conception of child rearing that transforms parents into twenty-four-hour-a- day servants. Parenting on demand is based on an intensely deterministic view of the child-parent relationship."(77)

"This reorganization of adult life entirely around the alleged needs of the baby represents a culture of parenting that is historically unprecedented."(78)

" As noted in Chapter 8, policy makers and politicians of all parties see improved parenting as the one obvious solution to society’s ills."(78)

"Yet it is far from evident that loving and giving attention for their own sake provide any real benefits for children. Children who are provided with attention on demand have little incentive to confront problems on their own. In particular, they have little incentive to learn to share their parents with others. They have little stimulus to explore the world by themselves, to learn to reflect on their experiences, or to engage in solitary play. Learning to be alone, away from the intrusive world of adults, is essential for the development of a child’s imagination. Constant adult attentiveness tends to promote the self-centered child. Children can become addicted to parental attention."(81)

"Parents who provide attention on demand are not doing their children a favor. Constant attention is impossible to sustain, and mothers and fathers who go down this road soon exhaust themselves."(81)

"There is considerable pressure on parents to fall in line with the ther- apeutic worldview. "(84)

"Physical contact between parent and child is a worthwhile, enjoyable experience in its own right. However, by assigning an all-powerful therapeutic significance to the power of touching, the fad of baby massage provides a convenient pretext for mystifying yet another aspect of the parent-infant relationship. Like loving, talking, and listening, touching is transformed into a complicated skill that parents need to learn in order to perform their function. When parental touching is transformed into the ritual of baby massage, it turns physical contact into an instrumental act devoid of spontaneity."(87)

(93) 5 - Parenting Turned into an Ordeal

"And indeed, many parents believe that they are not able to spend enough time with their children due to the pressure of work. A recent New York Times poll found that 83 percent of employed mothers and 72 percent of employed fathers say that they are torn by conflict between their jobs and the desire to spend more time with their families. The view that long hours of work have made parenting a difficult if not impossible task has become a regular subject of discussion in the pages of parenting magazines. Calls for flexible work arrangements are often presented as a poten- tial solution to the crisis of parenting."(94)

"Millions of mothers and fathers experience the pressure of time as a relentless everyday problem. Many parents who feel that they do not have adequate time to spend with their children feel guilty and anxious about this state of affairs. The “time famine” helps to intensify and shape parental paranoia. But is it really the case that our problems are caused by an impossibly long working week?"(94-95)

" It is difficult to believe that when our grandfathers staggered home from twelve-hour shifts in factories they were any less exhausted than the computer programmer is when he gets in from the office. Yet with far less time available to them, parents managed to raise their children. It is difficult to avoid the conclusion that the problem is not to be found in the place of work. It is not the culture of long working hours but the culture of parenting on demand that exacerbates many of the problems faced by mothers and fathers. As long as society continues to expand the role of parenting, mothers and fathers will never have time to be good enough parents." [mijn nadruk] (95)

[Nou, het zou toch wel kunnen dat allebei een rol spelen: meer eisen op het werk, meer eisen aan ouders, in combinatie een ramp natuurlijk.]

" In the United States, hyperparenting has become a way of life. "(97)

"Many parents, whose carefully balanced child-care arrangements can easily come unstuck by the extra claim on their time during school breaks, dread holidays."(98)

"The representation of parenting as an ordeal is fueled by strong social pressures that continually inflate the problems associated with it. Parent-scaring has become so deeply embedded in our culture that sometimes commentators wonder how anyone can enjoy the experience of child rearing."(103)

"Negative perceptions about child rearing mean that a significant and growing proportion of the adult population is opting not to have children. Child-free adults do not constitute an insignificant minority. They are the fastest-growing demographic group in industrial societies such as Britain, Japan, and the United States. One reason why some women have decided not to have children is the perception that parenthood is an intolerable responsibility, a life of sacrifice and of risk. The inflation of parenting time is one significant factor shaping this perception. Although there are many good reasons why adults make sensible decisions about not having children, it seems that paranoia about parenting has also become a factor influencing some people s calculations." [mijn nadruk] (103)

(104) 6 - Why Parents Confuse Their Problems with Those of Their Children

"Policy debates about children are dominated by individuals claiming to give voice to childrens needs. We frequently hear that children need this or children want that. Invariably, these claims — however well-meaning — are based on grown-up interpretations of children’s minds and behavior. It is easy to forget that the way we regard childhood depends on adults’ perception of that experience. It is not children who write books and newspaper articles about the meaning of childhood. It is not children who produce television programs about their requirements, or who make pronouncements about their emotional needs. Even the demand for children’s rights has been formulated by adults. It is not children who are desperately shouting that they are afraid of the risks they face. The image of a child at risk is the product of current adult sensibilities and imagination. Ideas about childhood are invariably filtered through the adult imagination and say as much about the world of grown-ups as that of children."(104)

[Prachtig geformuleerd. Dit is de - normatieve - kern van de zaak. ]

" The main point of this chapter is to outline how parental paranoia expresses adult anxieties in the guise of concern over children."(106)

"Appeals to parent identity are often directed at the self-preoccupation of the adult caregiver. Parents Who Think Too Much, Anne Cassidy’s provocative critique of today’s parenting culture, draws attention to the growing phenomenon of publications ostensibly about child care but really about the emotional problems confronting adult identity"(109)

"The term sacralization emerges out of an important study by the American sociologist Viviana Zelizer titled Pricing the Priceless Child. Zelizer’s text explores the profound alteration that took place in the economic and sentimental value of children in the United States during the period between the 1870s and 1930s. At the beginning of this period, children were still mainly valued because of the economic contribution they made to the family. However, important changes in economic and social life ensured that child labor diminished in significance. With the passing of time, children were less likely to be valued for their productive role and became more and more objects of sentiment. "(111)

"The general perception of transient relations between men and women stands in sharp contrast to the distinctly durable bonds that bind a parent to a child. The short-term view of marriage does not extend to the emotional commitment of a parent to a child. "(121)

[Nu begint Furedi wel erg ver uit te weiden over die ouders en hun problemen. Veel herhaling ook.]

(125) Confusions About Facing Up to Adulthood

" Today, it is common for adults to cling to a youthful identity, insist that they still have a lot more growing to do, and shamelessly copy the fashions of the younger generation. For some time now, parents, teachers, and other adults involved with children have gone out of their way to cross the generational divide and become young people’s friends rather than their mentors. This changing perception of adulthood — an unconscious process of infantilization — both reflects and reinforces the weakening of adult authority.(...) As a result, many mothers and fathers find it difficult to act decisively with their children."(125-126)

"The importance attached to childhood experience results in a diminished version of adulthood that suggests that grown-up men and women are incapable of controlling their lives. "(129)

(132) 8 - The Problem of Holding the Line

"How do we get our children to behave themselves? Parents know that children cannot be properly socialized unless they learn to draw lines, respect certain rules, and gradually acquire the habit of self-control. Unfortunately, there is no obvious guide as to how to gain the compliance of a child."(132)

"The uncertainties that adults experience about knowing when and how to draw the line have helped to consolidate parental paranoia. Mothers and fathers have always felt unsure about what to do when their child said “no.” Today, some are not only unclear about how to control their children but uncertain whether they should even try to do so."(133)

"There is a big difference between a sensible attitude of give and take and giving children the right to override parental decisions. Negotiation is a valuable way to educate children about making choices and dealing with the consequences. When used effectively, it can help children to participate in making informal rules and to gain an appreciation of the limits on their actions. But this interaction should not be confused with the negotiation between two equal parties. Rather, it is a child-rearing tool based on the understanding that an adult and a child are not equals. If children are genuinely treated as equal negotiating partners, knowing where to draw the line becomes a permanent source of anxiety."(136)

"While there is little doubt that parents have considerable power over their children, it is far from evident why this should be perceived as a problem. It only becomes a problem in practice if there is a fundamental conflict of interest between them. Unfortunately, that is increasingly the way that the relationship between parent and child is represented."(137)

"One of the ironies of the present era is that while politicians complain that parents don’t control their children, powerful voices also decry the exercise of strong parental authority. "(138)

"Parenting manuals counsel us to be firm, to be consistent, and to draw boundaries for our child. Unfortunately, such good advice is linked to disciplinary techniques that evade the question of punishing negative behavior. Disciplinary techniques based on reasoning, positive reinforcements, and negotiation can play a useful role in managing a child’s behavior. But such techniques are unlikely to be effective in all circumstances, and other more assertive methods are sometimes required to discourage a child from negative behavior."(140)

"There are good arguments for opposing the spanking of children, but they are not to be found in the realm of scientific research. Despite dozens of studies on this subject, nobody has established a causal relationship between spanking and negative behavior. A recent anti-spanking editorial in the British Medical Journal concedes that there is a lack of evidence supporting its position. Nevertheless, the BMJ insists it is possible to “apply good judgment” to this issue. Once again, the rejection of spanking is based on moral judgment rather than scientific fact." [mijn nadruk] (146)

"The inability to distinguish violence from caring discipline exercised by loving parents says more about the outlook of anti-spanking campaigners than about real-life mothers and fathers. It is an outlook that assumes parental abuse is the norm rather than a rare exception. Such a harsh view of parental behavior also extends to a suspicion of other forms of punishment. But it makes better PR to confine hostility to punishment to the easy and evocative target of spanking. Spanking serves as a symbol for a campaign that believes that the exercise of parental authority is potentially damaging to children." [mijn nadruk] (148)

(151) 9 - Unclear Rules - Prejudice Masquerading as Research

"Practical ideas about child rearing are inseparable from moral outlook. Today’s lack of consensus on the right approach to parenting is reflected in continual debates about the pros and cons of family values, marriage, cohabitation, and single parenthood. Customs and traditions that in past generations could be taken for granted seem to have lost their relevance in a world haunted by uncertainty and self-doubt. Many mothers and fathers think that what their own parents did has few lessons for child rearing today. Changes in the status of women and gender relations have also broken some old habits. The changing contours of family life create new complications for everyone concerned, adding to the already considerable burden borne by parents." [mijn nadruk] (151)

"Parenting and child-care advice is shaped by the prevailing moral and cultural values of the time. Anyone who cares to read the numerous editions of Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care will be struck by just how closely this authority reflects shifting moral moods." [mijn nadruk] (156)

"Leading authorities continually changing their minds about child-rearing problems sometimes publicly clash with one another."(158)

"There are a lot of good arguments for breast-feeding a baby. But when a practical matter like breast-feeding is transformed into a crusade, advice turns into a form of moral blackmail. "(163)

" It is worth asking the question “What do experts really know?” What do we actually know about the impact of parenting on children? For parents who are interested in the answer to this question, there is both bad news and good news. The bad news, which will be outlined in the next section, is that most advice is based on speculation and common sense, not science. In a nutshell: we actually know very little about the impact of parenting on children. The good news, the really good news, is that parents are no more ignorant than the experts. And since the experts know so little about so many of their claims, we might as well ignore them and act on our instincts. Parents usually know better than anyone else what is the best way of bringing up their children." [mijn nadruk] (167)

"Most of what goes by the name of parenting research is best described as advocacy research, which is devoted to raising awareness of particular problems. Such research aims to influence public policy, and this objective overrides all other considerations. Advocacy research does not set out to discover what’s not known; it seeks to influence public opinion. Its starting point is a belief that something is a good thing, and its aim is to marshal arguments to persuade a doubting public. "(172)

(175) Professional Power and the Erosion of Parental Authority

"From the government downward, everyone involved in the parenting debate reiterates the need to support parents and families. Parents do need support, but not the kind that is generally offered. Parents need access to quality child care, and we need child-friendly communities. Most important of all, they need to know that the decisions they make about the future of their children will be supported and not undermined by the rest of society. However, the term support is often a euphemism for prescriptive advice about how parents should behave. Parenting education is primarily oriented toward altering adult behavior and providing mothers and fathers with skills they allegedly lack. Unfortunately, projects that aim to transform incompetent adults into skilled parents tend to disempower mothers and fathers and empower professionals."(175)

"Given the inconclusive state of research about the impact of parenting on children and the absence of evidence that shows that parenting programs work, it is worth asking from what the experts involved in these projects derive their expertise. It is certainly not an expertise based on science and research. Nor is it rooted in practical experience. (...) Sadly, many mothers and fathers who lack confidence in their own resources are prepared to defer to the claim of authority. They don’t ask the obvious question —“Why should this expert presume to know more about the needs of my child than I do?” How long before someone cries out that the emperor has no clothes?" [mijn nadruk] (179)

"Mothers and fathers must realize that experts tend to regard them as either inept amateurs or as a potential source of risk to their children. Sometimes they see parents as the problem and assume that they are the solution. Ear- lier, such professionals expressed these views openly."(182)

"There is a case for professional support for families. But that support should be unobtrusive and targeted toward the small minority of parents who have genuinely failed to establish their authority over their children. Not distinguishing between the problems faced by this small minority and those confronted by most mothers and fathers is the outcome of the assumption that all normal parents need support. This approach fails both groups of parents. When all parents are treated as potential failures, it is the children who pay the price."(189)

(190) 10 - The Politicization ot Parenting

"The parenting professional has found an eager ally in the politician. All the main political parties regard the so-called problem of parenting as their issue. Politicians have absorbed the ideology of parental determinism: parenting determines the behavior of children. It is frequently proposed that all forms of antisocial behavior — crime, drugs, teenage pregnancy, illiter- acy, and poverty — are linked to incompetent parenting." [mijn nadruk] (190)

"Moral confusion creates a demand for quick-fix solutions. Parents provide an ideal focus for those seeking a ready-made target. It is much easier to personalize a moral problem than to understand it as the erosion of an abstract system of values. Immoral people are simpler to recognize than the failure of institutions to transmit meaningful values about the difference between right and wrong. So we pounce on immoral people. And since most immoral people have been brought up by their parents, it is tempting to blame their behavior on their mothers or fathers. " [mijn nadruk] (191)

"Of course, society does face important moral issues. But to blame parents for the present state of moral malaise is to confuse the symptom with the cause. How parents behave is informed by the cultural, moral, and social influences that bear down upon them. The values they transmit to their children are not their personal property; they appropriate them from everyday life in their community. Parents can do a lot to prepare their children to become good citizens. But adopting a different child-raising strategy will do little to put right a society uncertain about its moral universe. It is a testimony to the moral illiteracy of the political class that instead of confronting the big questions, they prefer to give lectures on parenting skills."(192)

"There is a strong streak of opportunism behind the politicization of parenting. America faces a variety of social problems. It is far more expensive to improve the quality of education, health, and social services than to exhort parents to spend more time reading to their children, cuddling them, or breast-feeding them. No doubt sound parenting practices can have positive effects on children’s lives. But these effects pale into insignificance compared with what can be achieved through an excellent public system of child care and education. " [mijn nadruk] (192)

[Prachtig.]

"The idea that politicians and officials know what’s in the interest of children better than their parents is an affront to the dignity of every mother and father. Parents work very hard to fulfill their responsibilities and most of the time do a very good job. What they do is not the business of the state. Politicians have no authority to claim that they possess special insights into the conduct of private affairs. The role of public authorities should be confined to those exceptional circumstances in which a child faces real harm. Society has a legitimate interest in the protection and welfare of its children. But it has no interest in encouraging the politicization of parenting."(195)

(197) Conclusion

"Instead of teaching children to distrust strangers and to regard the outside world with suspicion, parents need to nourish their childrens belief in themselves. The best way to help children to learn to look after themselves is to instill them with a strong sense of what is right and wrong. Instead of concentrating on negative themes like stranger danger, parents must transmit to their children a positive vision of humanity. We have a responsibility to raise and not lower their expectations about what they can expect of themselves and other people."(200)

"In any case, most professional advice is at best good common sense or at worst someone’s prejudice. Usually it is simply someone’s opinion. Such advice is formulaic, very general, and nine times out of ten entirely useless. "(200)