(7) Preface

[Dit verhaal lijkt me erg gebonden aan de VS. Ik kan me niet voorstellen dat het hier in Nederland net zo erg is. ]

"But girls today are much more oppressed. They are coming of age in a more dangerous, sexualized and media-saturated culture. They face incredible pressures to be beautiful and sophisticated, which in junior high means using chemicals and being sexual. As they navigate a more dangerous world, girls are less protected."(10)

"What can we do to help them? We can strengthen girls so that they will be ready. We can encourage emotional toughness and self-protection. We can support and guide them. But most important, we can change our culture. We can work together to build a culture that is less complicated and more nurturing, less violent and sexualized and more growth-producing. Our daughters deserve a society in which all their gifts can be developed and appreciated. I hope this book fosters a debate on how we can build that society for them." [mijn nadruk] (11)

[Die eerste dingen roep ik ook altijd. Dat hebben we nog eniszins in de hand. Het veranderen van cultuur? Tja, hoe doe je dat? ]

(11) Chapter 1 - Saplings in the storm

De auteur is therapeut en geeft dus veel concrete voorbeelden uit haar praktijk. De kern van de zaak in een paar citaten:

"Girls in what Freud called the latency period, roughly age six or seven through puberty, are anything but latent. I think of my daughter Sara during those years—performing chemistry experiments and magic tricks, playing her violin, starring in her own plays, rescuing wild animals and biking all over town. I think of her friend Tamara, who wrote a 300-page novel the summer of her sixth-grade year. I remember myself, reading every children’s book in the library of my town. One week I planned to be a great doctor like Albert Schweitzer. The next week I wanted to write like Louisa May Alcott or dance in Paris like Isadora Duncan. I have never since had as much confidence or ambition.
Most preadolescent girls are marvelous company because they are interested in everything—sports, nature, people, music and books. Almost all the heroines of girls’ literature come from this age group—Anne of Green Gables, Heidi, Pippi Longstocking and Caddie Wood-lawn. Girls this age bake pies, solve mysteries and go on quests. They can take care of themselves and are not yet burdened with caring for others. They have a brief respite from the female role and can be tomboys, a word that conveys courage, competency and irreverence." [mijn nadruk] (13)

"Girls between seven and eleven rarely come to therapy. They don’t need it."(14)

"Something dramatic happens to girls in early adolescence. Just as planes and ships disappear mysteriously into the Bermuda Triangle, so do the selves of girls go down in droves. They crash and burn in a social and developmental Bermuda Triangle. In early adolescence, studies show that girls’ IQ scores drop and their math and science scores plummet. They lose their resiliency and optimism and become less curious and inclined to take risks. They lose their assertive, energetic and “tomboyish” personalities and become more deferential, self-critical and depressed. They report great unhappiness with their own bodies." [mijn nadruk] (16)

"The story of Ophelia, from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, shows the destructive forces that affect young women. As a girl, Ophelia is happy and free, but with adolescence she loses herself. When she falls in love with Hamlet, she lives only for his approval. She has no inner direction ; rather she struggles to meet the demands of Hamlet and her father. Her value is determined utterly by their approval. Ophelia is torn apart by her efforts to please. When Hamlet spurns her because she is an obedient daughter, she goes mad with grief. Dressed in elegant clothes that weigh her down, she drowns in a stream filled with flowers.
Girls know they are losing themselves. One girl said, “Everything good in me died in junior high.” Wholeness is shattered by the chaos of adolescence. Girls become fragmented, their selves split into mysterious contradictions. They are sensitive and tenderhearted, mean and competitive, superficial and idealistic. They are confident in the morning and overwhelmed with anxiety by nightfall. They rush through their days with wild energy and then collapse into lethargy. They try on new roles every week—this week the good student, next week the delinquent and the next, the artist. And they expect their families to keep up with these changes." [mijn nadruk] (17-18)

"Psychology has a long history of ignoring girls this age. Until recently adolescent girls haven’t been studied by academics, and they have long baffled therapists. Because they are secretive with adults and full of contradictions, they are difficult to study. So much is happening internally that’s not communicated on the surface."(21)

"Second, American culture has always smacked girls on the head in early adolescence. This is when they move into a broader culture that is rife with girl-hurting “isms,” such as sexism, capitalism and lookism, which is the evaluation of a person solely on the basis of appearance." [mijn nadruk] (24)

"I want to try in this book to connect each girl’s story with larger cultural issues—to examine the intersection of the personal and the political. It’s a murky place; the personal and political are intertwined in all of our lives. Our minds, which are shaped by the society in which we live, can oppress us. And yet our minds can also analyze and work to change the culture.(...) The important question is, Under what conditions do most young women flower and grow?"(32)

(35) Chapter 2 - Theoretical issues-for your own good

Over Cayenne.

"Finally Cayenne was ready to talk about her own sexual experiences, at first in a tentative way, and later in a more relaxed manner. She made fun of the school films with their embryos and cartoon sperm that looked like tadpoles. She said her parents told her to wait for sex until she was out of high school and involved with someone whom she loved.
I asked, “How does your experience fit with what your parents told you?”
Cayenne looked at me wide-eyed. “My parents don’t know anything about sex.”
She pushed back her frizzy bangs. “In seventh grade [12 jaar] everyone was sex-crazy. Kids kept asking me if I did it, if I wanted to get laid, stuff like that. Guys would grab at me in the halls. I was shocked, but I didn’t show it. Later I got used to it.”"(46)

[Seks wordt hier ontdekt van 12 tot 14 jaar.]

"I found girls to be obsessed with complicated and intense relationships. They felt obligated and resentful, loving and angry, close and distant, all at the same time with the same people. Sexuality, romance and intimacy were all jumbled together and needed sorting. Their symptoms seemed connected to their age and their common experiences. Certain themes, such as concern with weight, fear of rejection and the need for perfection, seemed rooted in cultural expectations for women rather than in the “pathology” of each individual girl. Girls struggled with mixed messages: Be beautiful, but beauty is only skin deep. Be sexy, but not sexual. Be honest, but don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Be independent, but be nice. Be smart, but not so smart that you threaten boys."(49)

"She [Alice Miller] believed that as young children her patients faced a difficult choice: They could be authentic and honest, or they could be loved. If they chose wholeness, they were abandoned by their parents. If they chose love, they abandoned their true selves."(50)

"This loss of the true self was so traumatic that her patients repressed it. They had only a vague recollection of what was lost, a sense of emptiness and betrayal. They felt vulnerable and directionless—happy when praised and devastated when ignored or criticized. They were like sailboats without centerboards. Their self-worth changed with whatever way the wind blew."(51)

"I think that a process analogous to Miller’s occurs for girls in early adolescence. Whereas Miller sees the parents as responsible for the splitting in early childhood, I see the culture as splitting adolescent girls into true and false selves. The culture is what causes girls to abandon their true selves and take up false selves."(53)

[Dat is toch niet zo'n tegenstelling als hier gesuggereerd wordt? De ouders worden net zo goed beïnvloed door de cultuur. Denk aan het boek van Furedi.]

"But because of girls’ developmental stage, parents have limited influence. Cayenne, for example, would barely speak to her parents. As daughters move into the broader culture, they care what their friends, not their parents, think. They model themselves after media stars, not parental ideals."(53)

[Is dit niet wat overdreven en generaliserend? En gaat het ook om zwarte meiden of om de armere milieus? ]

"The pressure comes from schools, magazines, music, television, advertisements and movies. It comes from peers. Girls can be true to themselves and risk abandonment by their peers, or they can reject their true selves and be socially acceptable. Most girls choose to be socially accepted and split into two selves, one that is authentic and one that is culturally scripted. In public they become who they are supposed to be." [mijn nadruk] (54)

[Die druk is er wel - het erbij willen horen -, maar kunnen die meiden daar niks tegen doen dan?]

"While the rules for proper female behavior aren’t clearly stated, the punishment for breaking them is harsh. Girls who speak frankly are labeled as bitches. Girls who are not attractive are scorned. The rules are reinforced by the visual images in soft- and hard-core pornography, by song lyrics, by casual remarks, by criticisms, by teasing and by jokes. The rules are enforced by the labeling of a woman like Hillary Rodham Clinton as a “bitch” simply because she’s a competent, healthy adult."(57)

"Many of the girls I teach at the university can remember some of their choices—the choice to be quiet in class rather than risk being called a brain, the choice to diet rather than eat when they were hungry, the choice to go out with the right crowd rather than the crowd they liked, the choice to be polite rather than honest, or to be pretty rather than have fun. One girl put it this way: “You have to suffer to be beautiful.” But generally, girls are inarticulate about the trauma at the time it happens." [mijn nadruk] (58)

[Waarom gelijk van trauma spreken?]

"Attractiveness is both a necessary and a sufficient condition for girls’ success. This is an old, old problem. Helen of Troy didn’t launch a thousand ships because she was a hard worker. Juliet wasn’t loved for her math ability." [mijn nadruk] (58)

"Teen magazines are a good example of the training in lookism that girls receive.(...) Apparently attracting boys was the sole purpose of life, because the magazines had no articles on careers, hobbies, politics or academic pursuits. I couldn’t find one that wasn’t preaching the message “Don’t worry about feeling good or being good, worry about looking good.”"(59)

"As girls study Western civilization, they become increasingly aware that history is the history of men. History is His Story, the story of Mankind." [mijn nadruk] (60)

"It’s important for girls to be exposed to more women writers, but it’s equally important to change the way women are portrayed in the media. Not many girls read Tolstoy today, but almost all watch television. On the screen they see women mainly depicted as half-clad and half-witted, often awaiting rescue by quick-thinking, fully clothed men. I ask girls to watch the ways women are portrayed on television. We’ll talk about their observations and I’ll ask, “What does this teach you about the role of women?”" [mijn nadruk] (62)

"Ironically, bright and sensitive girls are most at risk for problems. They are likely to understand the implications of the media around them and be alarmed. They have the mental equipment to pick up our cultural ambivalence about women, and yet they don’t have the cognitive, emotional and social skills to handle this information."(65)

[Hoezo niet? Omdat ze jong zijn? Dit lijkt me niet zo simpel.]

"America today is a girl-destroying place. Everywhere girls are encouraged to sacrifice their true selves. Their parents may fight to protect them, but their parents have limited power. Many girls lose contact with their true selves, and when they do, they become extraordinarily vulnerable to a culture that is all too happy to use them for its purposes." [mijn nadruk] (67)

"They all benefit from, to use on old-fashioned term, consciousness-raising. Once girls understand the effects of the culture on their lives, they can fight back. They learn that they have conscious choices to make and ultimate responsibility for those choices. Intelligent resistance keeps the true self alive."(67)

[Dat bedoel ik, ze kunnen inzicht krijgen in die samenleving en dat kan al jong.]

(67) Chapter 3 - Developmental issues—“I’m not waving, i’m drowning”

Over Charlotte (15) en Lori (12).

[Charlotte: Ook al veel ervaringen met seks - negatief voor het grootste deel.]

"Girls stay in adolescence longer now. In the fifties and sixties, most teens left home as soon as they graduated from high school, never to return. Increasingly in the 1980s and 1990s young adults do not want to leave home, or they leave home for a while and return to live with their parents in their twenties. Partly children stay because of economics, partly they stay because home seems a safe haven in an increasingly dangerous world. Now adolescence may begin around age ten and may last until around age twenty-two. It can take twelve years to make it through the crucible." [mijn nadruk] (85)

[Die reden lijkt me meestal economisch, het is te gemakkelijk om het over een "increasingly dangerous world." te hebben. Is die er dan? Ik proef toch ook erg de sfeer van meisjes tot slachtoffer maken. De meesten komen nog altijd door de middelbare school heen zonder dat ze bij een therapeut belanden.]

"The body is changing in size, shape and hormonal structure. Just as pregnant women focus on their bodies, so adolescent girls focus on their changing bodies. They feel, look and move differently. These changes must be absorbed, the new body must become part of the self."(87)

[Ja, waar, maar: waarom zou dat een probleem zijn als die meisjes goed voorgelicht zijn en weten wat er met hen gebeurt? Dan is het minsten minder een "compelling mystery"(88) Het probleem zijn meestal de waarderingen van anderen (blikken en woorden) of de beeldvorming in de media. Maar ook daar kun je ze weerbaar in maken, zodat ze zichzelf niet de hele tijd zitten te vergelijken met waarden en normen van buitenaf.]

"Generally girls have strong bodies when they enter puberty. But these bodies soften and spread out in ways that our culture calls fat. Just at the point that their bodies are becoming rounder, girls are told that thin is beautiful, even imperative."(88)

"Girls feel an enormous pressure to be beautiful and are aware of constant evaluations of their appearance. In an art exhibit on the theme of women and appearance, Wendy Bantam put it this way: “Every day in the life of a woman is a walking Miss America Contest.” Sadly, girls lose if they are either too plain or too pretty. Our cultural stereotypes of the beautiful include negative ideas about their brains—think of the blonde jokes. Girls who are too attractive are seen primarily as sex objects. Their appearance overdetermines their identity. They know that boys like to be seen with them, but doubt that they are liked for reasons other than their packaging. Being beautiful can be a Pyrrhic victory. The battle for popularity is won, but the war for respect as a whole person is lost.
Girls who are plain are left out of social life and miss the developmental experiences they most need at this stage of their lives. They internalize our culture’s scorn of the plain." [mijn nadruk] (89)

"With early adolescence, girls surrender their relaxed attitudes about their bodies and take up the burden of self-criticism."(92)

"The emotional system is immature in early adolescence. Emotions are extreme and changeable. Small events can trigger enormous reactions. A negative comment about appearance or a bad mark on a test can hurl a teenager into despair. Not only are feelings chaotic, but girls often lose perspective. Girls have tried to kill themselves because they were grounded for a weekend or didn’t get asked to the prom. "

"Most early adolescents are unable to think abstractly. The brightest are just moving into formal operational thought or the ability to think abstractly and flexibly. The immaturity of their thinking makes it difficult to reason with them. They read deep meaning into casual remarks and overanalyze glances."(97)

[Waarom zou dat allemaal zo zijn? Dit zijn clichés. De auteur generaliseert wel erg gemakkelijk vanuit haar ervaringen als therapeut. Nog een voorbeeld:]

"Teenage girls engage in emotional reasoning, which is the belief that if you feel something is true, it must be true. If a teenager feels like a nerd, she is a nerd. If she feels her parents are unfair, they are unfair. If she feels she’ll get invited to homecoming, then she will be invited. There is limited ability to sort facts from feelings. Thinking is still magical in the sense that thinking something makes it so." [mijn nadruk] (99)

[Dat geldt ook voor eindeloos veel volwassenen, omdat ze nooit geleerd hebben om kritisch na te denken, dus dat zegt niets.]

"Schools have always treated girls and boys differently. What is new in the nineties is that we have much more documentation of this phenomenon. Public awareness of the discrimination is increasing. This is due in part to the American Association of University Women (AAUW), which released a study in 1992 entitled “How Schools Shortchange Girls.”"(103)

[Ze geeft een indrukwekkende reeks voorbeelden van dat gegeven dat jongens altijd meer aandacht krijgen op school en veel positiever gewaardeerd worden dan meisjes.]

"Because with boys failure is attributed to external factors and success is attributed to ability, they keep their confidence, even with failure. With girls it’s just the opposite. Because their success is attributed to good luck or hard work and failure to lack of ability, with every failure, girls’ confidence is eroded. All this works in subtle ways to stop girls from wanting to be astronauts and brain surgeons. Girls can’t say why they ditch their dreams, they just “mysteriously” lose interest."(105)

"The AAUW study found that as children go through school, boys do better and feel better about themselves and girls’ self-esteem, opinions of their sex and scores on standardized achievement tests all decline. Girls are more likely than boys to say that they are not smart enough for their dream careers. They emerge from adolescence with a diminished sense of their worth as individuals."(106)

"Junior high is when girls begin to fade academically. Partly this comes from the very structure of the schools, which tend to be large and impersonal. Girls, who tend to do better in relationship-based, cooperative learning situations, get lost academically in these settings. Partly it comes from a shift girls make at this time from a focus on achievement to a focus on affiliation. In junior high girls feel enormous pressure to be popular. They learn that good grades can even interfere with popularity." [mijn nadruk] (107)

[Ik denk dat dat wel eens een groot deel zou kunnen zijn, maar ik denk ook dat dat nooit onderzocht is.]

"The average adult has at least one divorce, and half of all children spend some of their childhood in single-parent homes. There are many families in which the adults cannot or do not protect their children. Adults who are struggling with their own problems such as depression, drug or alcohol addiction or crippling poverty often have no energy to parent. There are families in which parents are abusive or neglectful. Many children are homeless or in foster care or institutions. Still the majority of parents are motivated to do their best for their children."(109)

"The role of parents has changed radically in the 1990s. Parents used to help their children fit into the culture. Now many parents fight against the cultural influences that they know will harm their daughters."(114)

[Ik weet niet. Ik vind haar wel erg aardig voor ouders. Nu willen ze hun dochters beschermen tegen culturele invloeden? Willen beschermen is misschien wel de verkeerde insteek. Bij die ouders in de VS zitten natuurlijk ook eindeloos veel gelovige conservatieven die hun ideologie aan hun kinderen willen opdringen en boos worden als dat niet meer lukt. Daar hoor ik haar (nog) niet over.]

"Many girls complain about sexual harassment in the schools. While junior-high boys have always teased girls about sex, the level of the teasing is different. Girls are taunted about everything from oral sex to pubic hair, from periods to the imagined appearance of their genitals. The harassment that girls experience in the 1990s is much different in both quality and intensity. The remarks are more graphic and mean-spirited. Although the content is sexual, the intent is aggressive, to be rude and controlling."(118)

"Often harassment extends beyond remarks to touching. It’s usually from students, although girls also report harassment from male teachers. Generally girls do not tell school authorities about these incidents. More and more I see girls who are school refusers. They tell me they simply cannot face what happens to them at school. Charlotte had trouble returning to school, where she was called a slut when she walked through the halls. Another client complained that boys slapped her behind and grabbed her breasts when she walked to her locker. Another wouldn’t ride the school bus because boys teased her about oral sex."(119)

"Of course, the above generalizations about adolescence don’t hold true for all girls. Some girls have had tough lives as children and don’t experience their elementary school years as happy. Other girls who are stable and protected seem to slide through junior high. The intensity of the problems varies, as does the timing—from age nine to around age sixteen."(125)

[Waarom zie ik geen cijfers hier? 'Sommige' zegt niet veel.]

"While the world has changed a great deal in the last three decades, the developmental needs of teenage girls have changed very little. I needed, and girls today need, loving parents, decent values, useful information, friends, physical safety, freedom to move about independently, respect for their own uniqueness and encouragement to grow into productive adults."(126)

[Ook nogal vaag. ]

(126) Chapter 4 - Families—The root systems

Over Franchesca (14)

"When we think of families, most of us think of the traditional family, with a working father and a mother who stays home with the children, at least until they go to school. In reality, only 14 percent of our families are this way. Family demographics have changed radically since the 1970s, when less than 13 percent of all families were headed by single parents. In 1990, 30 percent of all families were headed by single parents. (Mothers are the parents in 90 percent of single-parent homes.)" [mijn nadruk] (137)

"Our nation began with a Declaration and a War of Independence. We admire feisty individualists, and our heroes are explorers, pioneers and iconoclasts. We respect Rambo, Jack Kerouac, Clint Eastwood and Amelia Earhart. We love Walt Whitman with his famous dictum “Resist much, obey little.”
The freedom that we value in our culture we also value in our families. Americans believe adolescence is the time when children emotionally separate from their parents, and this assumption becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy." [mijn nadruk] (139)

[Als dat eerste waar is, is de VS reddeloos verloren. ]

"They [parents] see their daughters’ drinking, early sexualization and rebelliousness as evidence of parental inadequacy. They see their own families as dysfunctional. Instead I believe what we have is a dysfunctional culture."(140)

"The adolescent community is an electronic community of rock music; television, videos and movies. The rites of passage into this community are risky. Adulthood, as presented by the media, implies drinking, spending money and being sexually active.
The mass media has the goal of making money from teenagers, while parents have the goal of producing happy, well-adjusted adults. These two goals are not compatible. Most parents resist their daughters’ media-induced values. Girls find themselves in conflict with their parents and with their own common sense." [mijn nadruk] (142)

"Not every girl who is suffering comes from a troubled family. In my experience, parents are often desperately fighting to protect the authenticity of their daughters."(143)

"Parents who are high in control and high in acceptance (strict but loving parents) have teenagers who are independent, socially responsible and confident. According to this research, the ideal family is one in which the message children receive from parents is: “We love you, but you must do as we say.”"(144)

[Ook weer zo simpel.]

Over Jody (16)

"Psychologists would condemn many of the elements in Jody’s background—the traditional sex roles of the parents; the physical punishments; the lack of lessons, camps and other enrichment experiences; the strict religion and the conformity of family members. They would note that this wasn’t a family that talked much about feelings. Particularly the father’s injunction against dating seems harsh by 1990s standards. Psychologists would question the family’s rigid beliefs. Interest in philosophical questions and self-examination were not encouraged. The parts of Jody that were different from her family would not flower.
I struggled with the questions this interview raised for me. Why would a girl raised in such an authoritarian, even sexist, family be so well liked, outgoing and self-confident? Why did she have less anger and more respect for adults? Why was she so relaxed when many girls are so angst-filled and angry?
I remembered some facts from sociology. There are fewer suicides in authoritarian countries than in more liberal ones. Those facts seem somehow related to Jody’s strength and happiness. In neither authoritarian countries nor Jody’s family are there many opportunities for existential crises. Someone else is making the important decisions. The world is black and white and there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. The rules are clear, consistent and enforced. There simply aren’t enough choices to precipitate despair.
The diversity of mainstream culture puts pressure on teens to make complicated choices. Adolescents don’t yet have the cognitive equipment. Young adolescents do not deal well with ambiguity. If the parents are affectionate and child-centered, teenagers are comforted by clarity and reassured by rules. Teens like Jody are protected from some of the experiences of their peers. Jody had challenges that she could be expected to meet—challenges that had to do with work, family responsibility and sports.
But there were costs. Jody’s family had limited tolerance for diversity. Obedience was valued more than autonomy. Jody hadn’t been encouraged to think for herself and develop as an individual. As an adolescent, Jody looks stronger than her peers, who are at odds with their families and overwhelmed by all the choices they must make. I wonder how she’ll look in her mid-twenties. By then teens raised in more liberal homes may look as strong as Jody and they may have even more creative and independent spirits."(162-163)

[Ik proef een groot heimwee naar dit soort conservatisme. ]

Over Abby en Elisabeth:

"The Boyds believed in autonomy, tolerance and curiosity. They wanted their girls to experience the world in all its messiness and glory. They raised daughters who were open to experience, eager to try new things, socially aware and independent. Because girls like this are so open and aware, when they reach junior high they are hit full force by the gales of the hurricane. When all that force hits, they are temporarily overwhelmed. It’s too much to handle too fast. Often they handle it in the way Abby and Elizabeth did, by withdrawal and depression. They screen out the world to give themselves time to process all the complexity."(169)

[Zie je wel, zou een conservatief nu kunnen zeggen, al die vrijheid leidt alleen maar tot ellende.]

Over Rosemary (14)

"This was a child-centered home, very democratic, with an emphasis on freedom and responsibility rather than conformity and control. The parents didn’t believe in setting many limits for the children. Rather they felt they would learn their own limits through trial and error. They both liked to describe themselves as friends of their kids. They taught Rosemary to stand up for herself and had many stories of her assertiveness with adults and peers."(170)

"All of the families in this chapter are high in the affection dimension, but they vary on the control dimension. Jody and Leah come from families that are high in control. Franchesca and Lucy come from families that are moderate in control, and Rosemary, Abby and Elizabeth are from families that are low in control.
Jody’s and Leah’s families believed that the best defense against bad ideas was censorship. Development was carefully channeled so that it fit the family’s values. Sheltered from the storms, Jody and Leah experienced challenges at a rate they could handle. But their protection had a cost. Their growth was circumscribed and thwarted, like that of bonsai trees. In adolescence these girls looked strong, but their life choices were restricted.
Lucy and Franchesca came from homes that believed that the best defense against bad ideas was some censorship and some freedom. Both families were reasonably protective and yet allowed the daughters freedom to grow in their own directions. Not surprisingly, their daughters were less stressed than Abby, Elizabeth and Rosemary and less well behaved than Jody and Leah.
Abby’s, Elizabeth’s and Rosemary’s families believed that the best defense against bad ideas was better ideas. They were more liberal, democratic and prone to negotiating. They valued experience more than structure, autonomy more than obedience. These families had many strengths—respect for individual differences and commitment to the developing potential of their daughters. But the daughters weren’t ready for existential choices, and often they made bad decisions. These girls looked miserable and out of control in early adolescence. Later, however, they settled down into interesting and unique adults."(176-177)

"With less structure comes more risk to girls in the short term and more potential for individual growth over time. With more structure comes less short-term risk but more risk of later conformity and blandness. Families of adolescent girls struggle to find a balance between security and freedom, conformity to family values and autonomy. Finding this balance involves numerous judgment calls. The issues are complex and mistakes can be costly. Parents can be overwhelmed by the intensity of the issues. The perfect balance, like the golden mean, exists only in the abstract."(178)

(178) Chapter 5 - Mothers

"Western civilization has a history of unrealistic expectations about mothers. They are held responsible for their children’s happiness and for the social and emotional well-being of their families. (...) Western civilization has a double standard about parenting. Relationships with fathers are portrayed as productive and growth-oriented, while relationships with mothers are depicted as regressive and dependent. Fathers are praised for their involvement with children. Mothers, on the other hand, are criticized unless their involvement is precisely the right amount. Distant mothers are scorned, but mothers who are too close are accused of smothering and overprotecting. Nowhere are the messages to mothers so contradictory as with their adolescent daughters." [mijn nadruk] ;(181)

"These age-old tensions are exacerbated by the problems of the 1990s. Mothers and daughters have even more turbulent relationships today. My office is filled with mother-daughter pairs who are struggling to define their relationships in positive ways. Part of the problem is that mothers don’t understand the world that their daughters now live in."(183)

"A friend actively encouraged her daughters to keep up with sports, to eschew makeup, eat hearty meals and speak up in class when they knew the answers. During adolescence, her daughters were hurt and rejected by more sex-typed peers. They didn’t conform to the feminine norms and suffered dreadfully."(184)

[Maar waarom is kritiek van leeftijdgenoten zo pijnlijk? Waarom zijn ze niet trots op hun andere opvattingen? Waarom willen ze zo graag horen bij mensen die het niet verdienen om er bij te willen horen en hebben ze zo weinig zelfrespect?]

"Most girls are close to their mothers when they are young, and many return to that closeness as adults. But few girls manage to stay close to their mothers during junior high and high school. Girls at their most vulnerable time reject the help of the one person who wants most to understand their needs. The stories I tell focus on the mother-daughter struggle for the right amount of closeness. Jessica and Brenda have been so close that, with adolescence, Jessica rejects everything her mother offers. Sorrel and Fay have a good working relationship that’s neither too close nor too distant. Whitney and Evelyn have too much distance."(186)

[Erg cliché over die moederrol, vind ik.]

(203) Chapter 6 - Fathers

"All fathers are products of their times. The rules for fathers have changed a great deal since the 1950s, when to be a good father, a man should stay sober, earn a living, remain faithful to his wife and not beat the kids. Men weren’t expected to hug their daughters, tell them they loved them or talk to them about personal matters. Now fathers are expected to do all the things they did in the 1950s, plus be emotionally involved. Many fathers didn’t learn how to do this from their own fathers. Because they missed their training, they feel lost.
Most fathers also received a big dose of misogyny training as boys, and nowhere does this hurt them more than in parenting their daughters. They are in the awkward position of loving a gender that they have been taught to devalue, of caring for females whom they have been taught to discount. And yet in our culture, the main job of fathers is to teach their children to fit into broader society."(206)

"Fathers also have great power to do harm. If they act as socializing agents for the culture, they can crush their daughters’ spirits. Rigid fathers limit their daughters’ dreams and destroy their self-confidence. Sexist fathers teach their daughters that their value lies in pleasing men. Sexist jokes, misogynistic cracks and negative attitudes about assertive women hurt girls. Sexist fathers teach their daughters to relinquish power and control to men. In their own relations with women they model a power differential between the sexes. Some fathers, in their eagerness to have their daughters accepted by the culture, encourage their daughters to be attractive or lose weight. They produce daughters who believe their only value is their physical attractiveness to men. These fathers undervalue intelligence in women and teach their daughters to undervalue it too.
On the other hand, nonsexist fathers can be tremendously helpful in teaching their daughters healthy rebellion. They can encourage daughters to protect themselves and even to fight back. They can encourage their daughters’ androgyny, particularly in sports and academics. They can teach daughters skills, such as how to change tires, throw a baseball or build a patio. They can help them understand the male point of view and the forces that act on men in this culture." [mijn nadruk] (208)

[Waarom zie ik niet iets dergelijks bij de moeders?]

"Emotional availability, not physical presence, was the critical variable. I found three kinds of relationships: supportive, distant and abusive."(209)

(234) Chapter 7 - Divorce

Over Julia.

"My own thinking about divorce has changed in the twenty years I’ve been a therapist. In the late 1970s I believed that children were better off with happy single parents rather than unhappy married parents. I thought divorce was a better option than struggling with a bad marriage. Now I realize that, in many families, children may not notice if their parents are unhappy or happy. On the other hand, divorce shatters many children. As one girl said when I asked her how she felt living with her dad and seeing her mother once a month, “I try not to think of it; it hurts too much. I try not to feel anything.”"(238)

"Many times marriages don’t work because people lack relationship skills. Partners need lessons in negotiating, communicating, expressing affection and doing their share. With these lessons many marriages can be saved. And if these lessons aren’t learned in the first marriage, they will have to be learned later or the next marriage will be doomed as well. So in the 1990s I try harder than I did in the 1970s to keep couples together and to teach them what they need to know to live a lifetime with another human being." [mijn nadruk] (239)

"Single-parent households are tough on everyone. Often the parents are chronically tired from “double shifts.”"(239)

[Weer dat behoudende toontje. Bovendien vormen haar ervaringen als therapeut geen empirisch onderzoek. Huwelijken redden? Geen huwelijken aangaan, zou ik zeggen. Het woord samenwonen komt niet voor in het verhaal, laat staan communaal samenwonen of wat ook. Het is stomweg traditioneel en conservatief. Juist omdat huwelijken zo op een troon gezet worden — in de VS al helemaal — hebben kinderen er last van als een huwelijk geen succes blijkt te zijn. Juist omdat er in de VS geen sociale regelingen zijn voor alleenstaande mensen moeten ze het zelf maar uitzoeken. Maar daar hoor je haar niet over. En ook het verhaal over tieners dat volgt is zwaar overdreven, alsof ze hun ouders voortdurend nodig hebben, alsof mensen voortdurend met elkaar in competitie zijn.]

"Divorce is particularly tough for adolescents. Partly that’s because of their developmental level and partly it’s because teenagers require so much energy from parents. Teenagers need parents who will talk to them, supervise them, help them stay organized and support them when they are down. Divorcing parents often just don’t have the energy to give. Adolescents feel an enormous sense of loss—of their parents, their families and their childhoods. And, unlike younger children, when they express their pain, they are likely to do it in dangerous ways.
Adolescents’ immature thinking makes it difficult for them to process the divorce. They tend to see things in black-and-white terms and have trouble putting events into perspective. They are absolute in their judgments and expect perfection in parents. They are likely to be self-conscious about their parents’ failures and critical of their every move. They have the expectation that parents will keep them safe and happy and are shocked by the broken covenant. Adolescents are unforgiving.
Just at a time when feeling different means feeling wrong, divorce makes teenagers feel different. If a parent wearing the wrong kind of shoes can humiliate a teenager, a parent who is divorcing causes utter shame. Teenagers are so egocentric that they think everyone knows about the divorce in all its details. They are ashamed of their families, which they see as uniquely dysfunctional.
Adolescence is a time when children are supposed to move away from parents who are holding firm and protective behind them. When the parents disconnect, the children have no base to move away from or return to. They aren’t ready to face the world alone. With divorce, adolescents feel abandoned, and they are outraged at that abandonment. They are angry at both parents for letting them down. Often they feel that their parents broke the rules and so now they can too. They no longer give their parents moral authority. Instead they say, “How dare you tell me what to do when you’ve screwed up so badly.”"(241-242)

(262) Chapter 8 - Within the hurricane — depression

Over Monica en anderen.

"We talked about Martin, whom she had met her sophomore year at all-state music camp. Martin played bass for the biggest school in the state. He was everything a high school girl could desire—good-looking, athletic and popular."(289)

[Pardon? En dat is belangrijker dan dat hij superjaloers is, seks opdringt aan haar, gewelddadig is en dan niet besluit 'dit is een totale klootzak waarmee ik niets te maken wil hebben'?? Geen woord daarover. Vreemd. De oorzaak van veel ellende zit hem in dat soort waarderingen natuurlijk.]

(299) Chapter 9 - Worshiping the gods of thinness

Over Heidi. Over bulimia.

"Bulimic young women have lost their true selves. In their eagerness to please, they have developed an addiction that destroys their central core. They have sold their souls in an attempt to have the perfect body. They have a long road back."(307)

"Anorexia is a problem of Western civilization, a problem for the prosperous. It is, to quote Peter Rowen, a question of “being thirsty in the rain.” Anorexia is both the result of and a protest against the cultural rule that young women must be beautiful. In the beginning, a young woman strives to be thin and beautiful, but after a time, anorexia takes on a life of its own. By her behavior an anorexic girl tells the world: “Look, see how thin I am, even thinner than you wanted me to be. You can’t make me eat more. I am in control of my fate, even if my fate is starving.” Once entrenched, anorexia is among the most difficult disorders to treat. Of all the psychiatric illnesses, it has the highest fatality rate.
Its victims are often the brightest and best young women. In my experience, it is the good girls, the dutiful daughters and high achievers who are at the greatest risk for anorexia. Anorexia often begins in early adolescence with ordinary teenage dieting."(315)

"Beauty is the defining characteristic for American women. It’s the necessary and often sufficient condition for social success. It is important for women of all ages, but the pressure to be beautiful is most intense in early adolescence. Girls worry about their clothes, makeup, skin and hair. But most of all they worry about their weight. Peers place an enormous value on thinness."(333)

"Unfortunately girls are not irrational to worry about their bodies. Looks do matter. Girls who are chubby or plain miss much of the American dream. The social desirability research in psychology documents our prejudices against the unattractive, particularly the obese, who are the social lepers of our culture. A recent study found that 11 percent of Americans would abort a fetus if they were told it had a tendency to obesity. By age five, children select pictures of thin people when asked to identify good-looking others. Elementary school children have more negative attitudes toward the obese than toward bullies, the handicapped or children of different races. Teachers underestimate the intelligence of the obese and overestimate the intelligence of the slender. Obese students are less likely to be granted scholarships."(335)

(336) Chapter 10 - Drugs and alcohol - If Ophelia were alive today

(369) Chapter 11 - Sex and violence

"Girls face two major sexual issues in America in the 1990s: One is an old issue of coming to terms with their own sexuality, defining a sexual self, making sexual choices and learning to enjoy sex. The other issue concerns the dangers girls face of being sexually assaulted. By late adolescence, most girls today either have been traumatized or know girls who have. They are fearful of males even as they are trying to develop intimate relations with them. Of course, these two issues connect at some level and make the development of healthy female sexuality extraordinarily complicated in the 1990s."(373)

[Raar eenzijdig. Als je hier niet eens die preutse samenleving op de achtergrond noemt, waarin jongeren niet geïnformeerd worden of waarin mannelijke agressie zo geweldig gevonden wordt ... ]

"America doesn’t have clearly defined and universally accepted rules about sexuality. We live in a pluralistic culture with contradictory sexual paradigms. We hear diverse messages from our families, our churches, our schools and the media, and each of us must integrate these messages and arrive at some value system that makes sense to us."(374)

[Dit is dus geïndividualiseerd relativisme.]

"Our cultural models for ideal female sexuality reflect our ambivalence about women and sex. Men are encouraged to be sexy and sexual all the time. Women are to be angels sometimes, sexual animals others, ladies by day and whores by night. Marilyn Monroe understood and exploited this split. She was an innocent waif and a wildcat, a child and a sultry sexpot. Understandably, girls are confused about exactly how and when they are to be sexy."(376)

[Tja en hoe zou dat nu komen?]

"Today more adolescent girls are sexually active earlier and with more partners. More than half of all young women ages fifteen to nineteen have had sex, nearly double the rates of 1970. Five times as many fifteen-year-olds are sexually active in 1990 as in 1970. Twice as many sexually active girls had multiple partners in 1990."(378)

[En dat zonder op de hoogte te zijn van seks, relaties, en zo meer, maar wel volgegoten met clichés erover. ]

"My own belief is that junior-high girls are not ready for sexual experiences beyond kissing and hand holding. Girls this age are too young to understand and handle all the implications of what they are doing. Their planning and processing skills are not adequate to allow them to make decisions about intercourse. They are too vulnerable to peer pressure. They tend to have love, sex and popularity all mixed up. And when they are sexual, they tend to get into trouble quite rapidly. They aren’t emotionally or intellectually ready to handle the responsibilities that arise. The decision to have sex should be a North Star decision, that is, one that’s in keeping with a sense of oneself, one’s values and long-term goals.
By high school, some girls may be mature enough to be sexually active, but my experience is that the more mature and healthy girls avoid sex. Because of my work, I see the unhappiness of early sexual intimacy—the sadness and anger at rejection, the pain over bad reputations, the pregnancies, the health problems and the cynicism of girls who have had every conceivable sexual experience except a good one. I’m prepared to acknowledge exceptions, but most early sexual activity in our culture tends to be harmful to girls.
I want to make a distinction here between intercourse and other sexual experiences. It’s healthy for girls to enjoy their own developing sexual responsiveness and to want to explore their sexuality. It’s possible to be sexual and be a virgin. But one of the difficulties that girls have in the 1990s is that there’s no established or easy way to stop a sexual encounter."(379)

[Erg voorzichtig en totaal kritiekloos verhaal gebaseerd op haar therapie-ervaringen, maar vooral op haar conservatieve waarden en normen. Het gaat over dat meiden nee leren zeggen, maar blijkbaar niet over dat ze verantwoord ja leren zeggen. En waar is de aanpak van de opdringerige agressieve jongens? ]

"I recently saw a bumper sticker on a young man’s car that read: “If I don’t get laid soon somebody’s gonna get hurt.” He is not alone in his philosophy. On any given day in America, 480 women and children will be forcibly raped, 5,760 women will be assaulted by a male intimate partner and four women and three children will be murdered by a family member.
The newer the study, the worse the figures. Rape is the “tragedy of youth” because 32 percent of all rapes occur when the victim is between the ages of eleven and seventeen. More than 15 percent of all college women have been raped since they turned eighteen. There is ominous evidence that the incidence of rape is increasing over time—the younger the age category of respondents, the higher the incidence of reported rape."(402)

"Classes on self-defense are filled with women and girls who recently have been victimized. I ask in my college classes what men do to protect themselves, and they say that they do nothing. I ask about women and we fill a blackboard with the ways women are careful. Fear changes behavior in a thousand ways—where and when young women can go places, who they talk to and where they walk, study and live."(403)

"Long after the physical trauma of assault, victims must contend with emotional wounds. A number of factors influence the severity of the trauma that comes from sexual violence. Generally the trauma is more severe if the victim is young, if the assaults occur with frequency and over a long period of time, if the assailant is related to the victim and if the assault is violent. The most damaging assaults are violent ones by a family member.
Other factors that are important include the reactions of the victims. The sooner girls tell someone what happened and seek help, the better. The more support they have from family and others, the better. Finally, girls vary in their own resiliency and ability to handle stress. Some are capable of a quicker, more complete recovery than others. All victims of sexual assault are helped by posttraumatic stress work, either with family, friends or therapists."(404)

[Een ideale wereld voor therapeuten ... ]

"Rape is a personal problem that cries out for a political solution. The solution to our cultural problems of sexual violence lies not only in the treatment of individual victims and offenders, but also in changing our culture. Young men need to be socialized in such a way that rape is as unthinkable to them as cannibalism. Sex is currently associated with violence, power, domination and status. The incidence of rape is increasing because our culture’s destructive messages about sexuality are increasing." [mijn nadruk] (424)

"Today girls are surrounded by sexual violence. We have emergency treatment for sexual casualties—therapists, hospitals, rape crisis centers and support groups. But we also need a preventive program. We need to work together to build a sexual culture that is sensible, decent and joyful."(425)

[Wauw, indrukwekkende conclusie. Mag ik even cynisch zijn? En hoe gaan we dat doen? Hoe gaan we cultuur veranderen? Hoe gaan we al dat geweld tegen? Hoe leren we mannen om zich beter te gedragen? O ... geen antwoorden.]

(425) Chapter 12 - Then and now

Vergelijking van de omstandigheden waarin de auteur 15 was en de omstandigheden van een cliënt.

(458) Chapter 13 - What i’ve learned from listening

"My work with adolescent girls helped me see families in a different light. Most of the parents I see clearly love their daughters and want what is best for them. They are their daughters’ shelter from the storm and their most valuable resource in times of need. I respect their willingness to seek help when they are in over their heads. I’m honored that they allow me, temporarily, to be part of their lives.
Good therapists work to shore up family bonds and to give hope to flagging families. We work to promote harmony and good humor and to increase tolerance and understanding between family members. Rather than searching for pathological labels, we encourage the development of those qualities that John DeFrain found in all healthy families: appreciation and affection, commitment, positive communication, time together, spiritual well-being and the ability to cope with stress and crises."(467)

[Mag ik een teiltje? En waarom werkt ze eigenlijk alleen met meiden? Het is waarschijnlijk veel belangrijker om met jongens te werken.]

"We need to change society if we are to produce healthy young women. But I can’t single-handedly change the culture, and neither can the families I see."(468)

[Ze heeft er zelfs geen ideeën over, blijkbaar. ]

(481) Chapter 14 - Let a thousand flowers bloom

[De titel suggereert dat er nu een maatschappijkritiek volgt. Maar nee, ze weet niet eens wat ze zegt, ze heeft het over sterkere meiden, individuen dus. ]

Over Margaret.

"Many young women are less whole and androgynous than they were at age ten. They are more appearance-conscious and sex-conscious. They are quieter, more fearful of holding strong opinions, more careful what they say and less honest. They are more likely to second-guess themselves and to be self-critical. They are bigger worriers and more effective people pleasers. They are less likely to play sports, love math and science and plan on being president. They hide their intelligence. Many must fight for years to regain all the territory that they lost."(488)

[Een deel ervan lijkt me logisch en helemaal geen probleem.]

"In America in the 1990s, the demands of the time are so overwhelming that even the strongest girls keel over in adolescence. The lessons are too difficult and the learning curve too steep for smooth early mastery. Strong girls manage to hold on to some sense of themselves in the high winds. Often they have a strong sense of place that gives them roots. They may identify with an ethnic group in a way that gives them pride and focus, or they may see themselves as being an integral part of a community. Their sense of belonging preserves their identity when it is battered by the winds of adolescence.
Strong girls know who they are and value themselves as multifaceted people. They may see themselves as dancers, musicians, athletes or political activists. These kinds of identities hold up well under pressure. Talent allows girls some continuity between past childhood and current adolescent lives. Being genuinely useful also gives girls something to hold on to. Girls who care for ill parents or who help the disadvantaged have a hedge against the pain of adolescence.
Strong girls generally manage to stay close to their families and maintain some family loyalty. Even if they come from problem families, they usually have someone in the family whom they love and trust. Through all the chaos of adolescence, they keep the faith with this person.
Almost all girls have difficulty with their families. Even the healthiest girls push their parents to validate them as adults before the parents are ready to accept the new situation. All girls do some distancing as part of their individuation process. But healthy girls know that their parents love them and stay connected in important ways. They keep talking and seeking contact. Even as they rage at their parents on the surface, a part of them remains loyal and connected to them."(491)

[Bij dat laatste: ja, stel je voor dat je zou breken met je familie... Waar blijven we dan met het kerngezin? Ze heeft conservatieve conformistische opvattingen. En er komt nog meer in de opsomming van wat een sterke meid is.]

"Unlike Ophelia, most girls recover from early adolescence. It’s not a fatal disease, but an acute condition that disappears with time. While it’s happening, nobody looks strong. Even the girls in this chapter were miserable in junior high. From the vantage point of high school, they can tell their stories, but in junior high they had no perspective. It’s impossible to have much perspective in a hurricane.
No girls escape the hurricane. The winds are simply too overpowering. Fortunately no storm lasts forever. By late high school the winds of the hurricane are dying down and trees begin to right themselves. Girls calm down. Their thinking is more mature and their feelings more stable. Their friends have become kinder and more dependable. They make peace with their parents. Their judgment has improved and they are less self-absorbed. The resisters and fighters survive. When it’s storming, it feels like the storm will never end, but the hurricane does end and the sun comes out again."(524)

(524) Chapter 15 - A fence at the top of the hill

"There is something eerie about teaching our daughters how to fight off rapists and kidnappers. We need classes that teach men not to rape and hurt women. We need workshops that teach men what some of them don’t learn: how to be gentle and loving." [mijn nadruk] (526)

"Last week my friend Randy listened to a group of sixth-graders identify what living creature they would like to be. The boys all wanted to be predators: wolves, lions, grizzly bears and pumas. The girls chose soft and cuddly animals: pandas, koala bears, bunnies and squirrels. One girl said softly that she’d like to be a rose. When I heard that choice, I thought that the damage has already been done. Roses can’t even move, and, while beautiful, they don’t experience anything."(527)

"In order to keep their true selves and grow into healthy adults, girls need love from family and friends, meaningful work, respect, challenges and physical and psychological safety. They need identities based on talents or interests rather than appearance, popularity or sexuality. They need good habits for coping with stress, self-nurturing skills and a sense of purpose and perspective. They need quiet places and times. They need to feel that they are part of something larger than their own lives and that they are emotionally connected to a whole."(527)

"Parents can help by listening to their daughters, who need as much parent time as toddlers. Teenagers need parents available when they are ready to talk. Usually girls want to talk when it’s most inconvenient for their parents. This is no accident. I found that both my teenagers were more likely to talk if I had my nose in a book. If I seemed interested in their lives and eager to talk, they pulled back."(529)

[Twee dingen. 1/ Ik heb nu wel genoeg gehoord over haar eigen ervaringen. Ik vind het een heel verkeerde keuze, die ook zegt dat alles subjectief is. Je bent geen onderzoeker wanneer je jezelf zo binnensmokkelt. 2/ Ze heeft het alleen maar over meiden, ze houdt zich vrijwel niet bezig met jongens, terwijl daar het grootste probleem zit. Worden die door de scholen niet naar haar als therapeut gestuurd? En kijk dan naar het citaat op p.526 hierboven.]

"Good communication with teenage daughters encourages rational thought, centered decisions and conscious choices. It includes discussions of options, risks, implications and consequences. Parents can teach their daughters to make choices. They can help them sort out when to negotiate, stand firm and withdraw. They can help them learn what they can and can’t control, how to pick their battles and to fight back. They can teach intelligent resistance."(532)

[Als voorbeeld. Hetzelfde geldt uiteraard ook voor de zonen van die ouders. Daarover hoor ik niets. ]

"“Manhood” needs to be redefined in a way that allows women equality and men pride. Our culture desperately needs new ways to teach boys to be men. Via the media and advertising, we are teaching our sons all the wrong lessons. Boys need a model of manhood that is caring and bold, adventurous and gentle. They need ways to be men that don’t involve violence misogyny and the objectification of women. Instead of promoting violence as a means of solving human problems, we must strengthen our taboos against violence. Some Native American cultures have no words in their language for hurting other humans. What do those cultures think of us?"(542)

"The ways the media have dehumanized sex and fostered violence should be the topic of a national debate. After a five-year study, the American Psychological Association found that watching television can lead to antisocial behavior, gender stereotyping and bad grades in school. The APA warned that television has become a dominant and disturbing influence on the national psyche. They recommended that the government develop a national policy to promote quality and diverse programming and to protect society and individual citizens from its harmful effects."(544)

"Although I believe that the First Amendment has become the last refuge of scoundrels, I don’t advocate censorship. I believe that the best defense against bad ideas is better ideas. But now in our culture the problem is that many people make their living by telling lies and spreading bad ideas. The truth is not getting equal time. We need more public media that exists to enliven and enlighten, not to sell.
Our society teaches that sex, alcohol and purchasing power lead to the good life. We really do know better. We need to rebuild the media so that its values are not antagonistic to the values we must adopt in order to survive and move into the twenty-first century. These changes will not happen overnight. But we can work together toward a new century in which men and women truly have equal power in our culture.
In the last few years violence has become part of ordinary life. A study by the American Psychological Association released in August 1993 found that teens are 250 percent more likely than adults to be crime victims. In some of our cities, seven out of ten kids have seen someone shot or killed. In America today the number-one cause of injury to women is battering. Women are kidnapped and murdered in numbers that were unthinkable in the fifties. It’s hard for girls to grow into independent, autonomous people when they are fearful for their physical safety."(545)

[Typisch Amerikaans: niets willen reguleren, verbieden, en zo meer. Behalve seks uiteraard.]

"My work as a therapist is ambulance work, and after years of ambulance driving, I’m aware of the limits of the treatment approach to major social problems. In addition to treating the casualties of our cultural messages, we need to work for cultural change."(546)

[Ja, maar als je niets wil reguleren lukt dat dus gewoon niet. Het zijn voornemens, zachte droompjes om je goed te voelen. ]

"I quoted Stendhal in Chapter One: “All geniuses born women are lost to the public good.” Some ground has been gained since he said that, and some lost. Let’s work toward a culture in which there is a place for every human gift, in which children are safe and protected, women are respected and men and women can love each other as whole human beings. Let’s work for a culture in which the incisive intellect, the willing hands and the happy heart are beloved. Then our daughters will have a place where all their talents will be appreciated, and they can flourish like green trees under the sun and the stars."(548)

[Amen? Nogmaals: hoe doe je dat concreet?]